It’s the week-end! Or rather: IT’S THE WEEK-END YOU ALL CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??
You’ve guessed it, I’m feeling better. It often happens, after I hit my lowest I get up the next day like a new person. Like surviving the horrible suicide temptation granted me access to unknown amounts of energy (aka hypomania). Don’t worry I’m not trowing myself out there out of happiness.
But that was not the point of this post. Yesterday was my friend’s birthday party. My ex was there. We’ll call her M because I don’t like referring to her as “My ex” all the time. For some reason, before going, I had the need to make myself look good (read: a tiny bit more presentable than usual). I even put gel in my hair cause it looks cool! And I know I did that for her. Because I was thinking about her the whole time. Not that I want to go back with her. I really don’t. I realized I wasn’t particularly well with how our relationship was and if we went back it would be the same. We just live in worlds that are way too separate. Yet I wanted to impress her. Not even to hurt her, or make her jealous. Just to feel good I guess. Don’t ask me why.
But then I was there, waiting with friends, being attractive and all and she arrived. In her nice work outfit, her make-up and her perfect smile. And the smile was directed to me. All shiny and beautiful. That second, I felt like I’d just lost a battle against a professional wrestler. I don’t know what my face showed but I think she saw something in it because she looked unsure after. To be honest, I barely looked at her, or spoke to her, for the rest of the evening. I can speak to her online no problem. But seeing her, it’s like it’s too real. I don’t even feel the urge to kiss her or hug her! I just want to disappear in the ground because she’s perfect, and I’m not, and she’s obviously over me.
But then there was this other girl. We’ll call her V. She was sitting in front of me at the restaurant. She was funny and cute and we had fun making jokes and all. It wasn’t even awkward (you know like us computer scientist can be when meeting strangers… or friends). We then decided that 4 of us would go to a gaming bar (board games + video games + fun). M wasn’t part of the group, thankfully because I would have remained silent the entire time. Also, it turns out people can get angry when playing Settlers of Catane!! But it’s almost okay because V and I just had that look where we understood each other (or I think we did?) whenever my other friend would get mad. Anyways I know I was hypomanic and somehow the people of this planet gain 5 points in attractiveness when I’m in that state, but I kinda have a little crush on her now. Nothing big! But I kinda like her. You know. Like I can’t make sentences?
The point is, M was there, and even though I felt horrible, I still got a crush on another girl. For me that was a big moment. I may not be over M (will I ever? I really fell deeply for her) but I’m getting there. It means maybe at some point I’ll be able to envision some kind of relationship with someone else. Maybe I didn’t get broken so bad I can’t ever want to be with anyone again. That’s good! I want to have crushes and have hope. It’s so much more fun than hating couples in the street!
I don’t know if V is even interested in women, let alone me. I’m not really looking to start anything right now anyways, but she’d make a good friend. But who knows? Life always brings us surprises when we think all is lost.
What was the moment that made you guys realize you were moving on? Let me know in the comments below!
Good luck to you all in your love/hate filled moments.