How do you know when you’ve moved on?

It’s the week-end! Or rather: IT’S THE WEEK-END YOU ALL CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

You’ve guessed it, I’m feeling better. It often happens, after I hit my lowest I get up the next day like a new person. Like surviving the horrible suicide temptation granted me access to unknown amounts of energy (aka hypomania). Don’t worry I’m not trowing myself out there out of happiness.

But that was not the point of this post. Yesterday was my friend’s birthday party. My ex was there. We’ll call her M because I don’t like referring to her as “My ex” all the time. For some reason, before going, I had the need to make myself look good (read: a tiny bit more presentable than usual). I even put gel in my hair cause it looks cool! And I know I did that for her. Because I was thinking about her the whole time. Not that I want to go back with her. I really don’t. I realized I wasn’t particularly well with how our relationship was and if we went back it would be the same. We just live in worlds that are way too separate. Yet I wanted to impress her. Not even to hurt her, or make her jealous. Just to feel good I guess. Don’t ask me why.

But then I was there, waiting with friends, being attractive and all and she arrived. In her nice work outfit, her make-up and her perfect smile. And the smile was directed to me. All shiny and beautiful. That second, I felt like I’d just lost a battle against a professional wrestler. I don’t know what my face showed but I think she saw something in it because she looked unsure after. To be honest, I barely looked at her, or spoke to her, for the rest of the evening. I can speak to her online no problem. But seeing her, it’s like it’s too real. I don’t even feel the urge to kiss her or hug her! I just want to disappear in the ground because she’s perfect, and I’m not, and she’s obviously over me.

But then there was this other girl. We’ll call her V. She was sitting in front of me at the restaurant. She was funny and cute and we had fun making jokes and all. It wasn’t even awkward (you know like us computer scientist can be when meeting strangers… or friends). We then decided that 4 of us would go to a gaming bar (board games + video games + fun). M wasn’t part of the group, thankfully because I would have remained silent the entire time. Also, it turns out people can get angry when playing Settlers of Catane!! But it’s almost okay because V and I just had that look where we understood each other (or I think we did?) whenever my other friend would get mad. Anyways I know I was hypomanic and somehow the people of this planet gain 5 points in attractiveness when I’m in that state, but I kinda have a little crush on her now. Nothing big! But I kinda like her. You know. Like I can’t make sentences?

The point is, M was there, and even though I felt horrible, I still got a crush on another girl. For me that was a big moment. I may not be over M (will I ever? I really fell deeply for her) but I’m getting there. It means maybe at some point I’ll be able to envision some kind of relationship with someone else. Maybe I didn’t get broken so bad I can’t ever want to be with anyone again. That’s good! I want to have crushes and have hope. It’s so much more fun than hating couples in the street!

I don’t know if V is even interested in women, let alone me. I’m not really looking to start anything right now anyways, but she’d make a good friend. But who knows? Life always brings us surprises when we think all is lost.

What was the moment that made you guys realize you were moving on? Let me know in the comments below!

Good luck to you all in your love/hate filled moments.

How To: Play The Sims after a breakup

Ever wonder how you could ever play again the famous game “The Sims”, when your one true love has left you? Well, wonder no more! Here is the step-by-step guide on how to start that first game you were not itching to play:

Source: thesims.com
Maybe I should remove the pool ladder…  Source: thesims.com

 

  1. Browse Facebook aimlessly.
  2. Start sobbing because you miss your ex.
  3. Decide to do something that will change your mind.
  4. Look through all your games and find an old copy of The Sims.
  5. Let the nostalgia kick-in. Reinstall the game because you’ve changed computer twice since you bought it.
  6. Start a new family.
  7. Make one character look just like your ex (depending on your skills, this might not be completely true).
  8. Make one character look just like you (same thing applies here).
  9. Build a magnificent house. The house you two will never have…
  10. Start a family. Your significant other would have been such a good parent.
  11. Start sobbing again. You were so good together!
  12. Realize you’re a complete idiot.
  13. Close the game.
  14. Go stalk your ex’s timeline.

And here you have it! Did you find this guide helpful? Let me know what counter-productive things you do when trying to get over a breakup in the comments!

Letter to you

Hey you,

You beautiful, wonderful, amazing you. Do you remember me? Do you remember the good times we had? When we went to Yellowknife? Driving in the snow with a very old van turned out to be quite a challenge. I was so happy to share the city that I love with a friend. The fun we had at the airports! Or when we went to Toronto? We tried visiting the city but we really visited stores instead? Ah the view we had on the harbour! But my eyes were all on you. My heart was full of awe. Because I couldn’t believe that you were mine. Do you also remember when we just hung out and played video games? Your presence alone was enough to make me happy.

When we kissed it was magical. You know you were the first person with whom I had that reaction? Who swept me off my feet both mentally and physically? But all of that is no longer relevant. The world has decided that we should not be together. I understand your reasons. I also think that it was the best. We can’t be together right now. Maybe we never will. You need someone who understands what you are going through and so do I. And we simply cannot be that person for each other.

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. How much I miss the smell of the coconut oil you put in your lustrous hair. How your smile will be forever imprinted on my mind. How when I close my eyes I still see the contrast of your beautiful honey skin against my hand.

More than that though, I wish I could tell you how unbelievably amazing you are. I know you keep forgetting it. Life keeps throwing at you everything it has, and you tend to believe that it means you aren’t worthy. But you are. You are worthy of someone as incredible and driven as you. You are worthy of a life full of laughs and greatness. You are a good person, too good even maybe.

Don’t let the world try and destroy you. You are better than the world. And even if I’m not there anymore to hold you in my arms, a part of me always will be. Be strong. Be unique. Be yourself.

I wish I didn’t have to let you go. I wish I could wait for you for as long as it takes. But doing so would destroy me. It would probably destroy you too. So I am moving on. Because I love you with all my heart and life sometimes isn’t fair. I’m still happy it put us together though, however short that was. Being with you was an important moment in my life.

I hope you find what you need, and that things get better for you. I’ll always be there to hold you tight en pensée when everything seems dark. Don’t ever loose faith in yourself.

Goodbye