The horrors in my head

I try and keep a positive tone in most of what I do. I find that it keeps me hoping and it also prevents me from driving everyone around me crazy. I have accepted long ago that my emotions and my crazy thoughts are too much to handle for other people. How could they not? I live with them and they’re too much for me. Sometimes, I need those horrors out there though. By keeping them inside I end up believing in them.

Often I wonder how I’m still alive today. I spend at least 30% of my time trying to convince myself not to give up. That’s a lot of time and energy. I’ve been like that for over 10 years now and I know it’s not going away anytime soon. But some days, it becomes too hard. Some days, everything is too much and I’m not sure willpower alone can keep me going. On days like this, I need to talk. I usually talk to people but lately I’ve been rather lonely. I mean I have friends but I can’t bother them with my irrationality anymore. And I currently have no doctor either (bless the Quebec health system and its wonderful ways) so I can’t just call and book an appointment.

At least I've got company!
At least I’ve got company!

So I’ve decided to talk here. After all, I created this blog to help me deal with the ways of my brain, so I should use it! Now if you don’t feel comfortable reading about suicidal ideation or if the subject is a trigger for you I advise you stop reading here. As much as I need to be writing about it I don’t want to make anyone else feel horrible right now – one is already too much.

When I feel good it’s almost like I forget what it’s like to be depressed. In a way it’s good, because it lets me breathe a bit and enjoy life when I can. But when I feel bad, it’s like I’m a completely different person. And it disturbs me. I get so exhausted, but I can’t get proper sleep, and it makes me incredibly annoyed. It’s like all the little things I usually have patience for now hold great importance. Everything is wrong, and it’s inherently my fault because I’m the one thinking it. And my brain is all foggy and encased in some sort of material that’s applying pressure on it. My head hurts from that foreign entity trying to force itself upon me. No matter what I do, it stays there and grows stronger. And I fight back, as much as I can, with the tools I learned to use.

I take walks, I make jokes, I think about all of those great things I did. I remember the travels, the moments spent with friends. Everything I’ve got going for me. I listen to music and I dance. And it works. Because those things I know and I believe. I know that my family loves me because of everything they’ve done for me. It took me a lot to be remember that though. As a teenager, when I was going into depression I had to keep repeating to myself  over and over again “It’s not true. It’s your brain tricking you. Your family loves you. People in the street do not hate you. No one looks at you weird. It’s all your imagination.” It took years but it finally worked. I don’t think that random strangers in the street hate me anymore. I don’t believe that I’m worthless, and have no friends. But my real problems, the one that are present no matter what state I’m in, they’re still there. And they appear so much worse when I’m depressed. I see no hope, no future because my financial situation can’t ever get better, after all, I’m going to get hypomanic and start spending like crazy again. I’m never going to get a stable job because I am not stable myself and I’m unreliable. I can do my best, but my best will never be as good as everyone else’s regular. I know inside that it’s not completely true. But all the fog is making it hard to distinguish the truth.

I’m not a religious person, and I don’t think humans have souls. But that thing that hurts inside of me, that thing that is screaming out in pain, it feels like a soul. I try to hug it tightly, to tell it not to worry. But I’m so tired… It’s going to get better… but it’s also going to get worse… Over and over and over. I think that’s the hardest part. Knowing that I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life. Forever having to battle highs and lows and spend all my energy trying to convince myself that all those thoughts are wrong and filter my emotions. I know that if one day I end my life, this is going to be the reason. I just can’t take the sickness anymore. It takes so much out of me, how can I survive more of it? I don’t want to die. I really wish I could live without all of that pain. But I can’t deal with this any longer. I don’t know where I get the strength to continue when I’m curled up in a corner screaming and crying. Probably from my friends and my family. I don’t want to let them down. We have so much stuff planned – I can’t just die on them like that. Just one more day. Everything will be better soon.

I’ve had a rough week. I’m doing my best to stay afloat. I really wanted to talk to my ex, just a little bit, to get reassured. But I can’t. She has other problems, real problems, to think about. Besides, I don’t think she ever really understood or felt comfortable with my mood swings. I don’t blame her, they’re terribly confusing, scary, and annoying.

It feels like the world has abandoned me. But I’ll keep doing my best. Tomorrow, I’ll go to work, and in the evening, I’ll celebrate my friend’s birthday. Saturday, I’ll help another friend store some of her stuff in the empty room. Sunday, I’ll go fight with foam weapons. And I’ll smile. I’ll pretend that everything is well because this is what I know. I’ll do my best to keep going. Because life is worth it. Even if right now I don’t believe it.

Nevertheless, I really need a hug right now.

Letter to you

Hey you,

You beautiful, wonderful, amazing you. Do you remember me? Do you remember the good times we had? When we went to Yellowknife? Driving in the snow with a very old van turned out to be quite a challenge. I was so happy to share the city that I love with a friend. The fun we had at the airports! Or when we went to Toronto? We tried visiting the city but we really visited stores instead? Ah the view we had on the harbour! But my eyes were all on you. My heart was full of awe. Because I couldn’t believe that you were mine. Do you also remember when we just hung out and played video games? Your presence alone was enough to make me happy.

When we kissed it was magical. You know you were the first person with whom I had that reaction? Who swept me off my feet both mentally and physically? But all of that is no longer relevant. The world has decided that we should not be together. I understand your reasons. I also think that it was the best. We can’t be together right now. Maybe we never will. You need someone who understands what you are going through and so do I. And we simply cannot be that person for each other.

I wish I could tell you how much I miss you. How much I miss the smell of the coconut oil you put in your lustrous hair. How your smile will be forever imprinted on my mind. How when I close my eyes I still see the contrast of your beautiful honey skin against my hand.

More than that though, I wish I could tell you how unbelievably amazing you are. I know you keep forgetting it. Life keeps throwing at you everything it has, and you tend to believe that it means you aren’t worthy. But you are. You are worthy of someone as incredible and driven as you. You are worthy of a life full of laughs and greatness. You are a good person, too good even maybe.

Don’t let the world try and destroy you. You are better than the world. And even if I’m not there anymore to hold you in my arms, a part of me always will be. Be strong. Be unique. Be yourself.

I wish I didn’t have to let you go. I wish I could wait for you for as long as it takes. But doing so would destroy me. It would probably destroy you too. So I am moving on. Because I love you with all my heart and life sometimes isn’t fair. I’m still happy it put us together though, however short that was. Being with you was an important moment in my life.

I hope you find what you need, and that things get better for you. I’ll always be there to hold you tight en pensée when everything seems dark. Don’t ever loose faith in yourself.