We had a sword war today! I just love those events to bits. At the end of the day when I get home I actually feel like I’ve accomplished something. Granted, the only thing I’ve actually accomplished is make a fool of myself and die a couple times, and maybe get a sunburn. But it’s so much fun. We’re doing them every week now so I’m pretty sure all of my Sundays are set for the entire season. Go forth soldier! Protect the King!
M was there. I thought I’d find it harder to see her since Friday was like a punch in the gut. It turns out it wasn’t that bad. We spoke a tiny bit and then she pretty much ignored me and talked with a friend. Oh she played too but there the ignoring was kind of mutual. I think we both don’t know what we’re suppose to do with ourselves in the presence of the other. I guess some things can only heal with time.
Unfortunately, V couldn’t make it. She said she’ll definitely come next week though! That’s exciting. I mean she seems like she really wants to come and is interested in seeing me again? Friday when we departed she said “We should definitely do something again.” Not the “Yeah let’s do something!” that doesn’t mean anything that we all blurt out. But now I have to be patient and not overwhelm her with invites until then. Sometimes my bipolar brain forgets that time for other people doesn’t flow the same way it flows for me, and that 1 day is not a million years. I have a very poor notion of time. I also have a very poor notion of knowing when girls are interested in me. For some reason I can tell if a guy is interested from a mile away, but when it comes to women, my intelligence drops to the level of a pigeon. Ah women. They make me all funny inside. I think I’ll force myself to go slow and enjoy the ride this time. So, when it turns out that she’s the straightest woman on the planet and is married and pregnant, it won’t feel like I’m loosing something and I’ll have had fun in the meantime.
On a completely unrelated note, I went to the Old Port with a good friend after. We just sat in the grass, talked and ate. I’ve gotten her hooked on Rosette de Lyon, so we had Rosette, smoked Gouda cheese and bread. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a heavenly combination. Rosette de Lyon is some sort of porc sausage, specialty of Lyon. And NO it is NOT salami or pepperoni. It’s horrible on a pizza but it’s amazing in a sandwich or on its own with cheese. If you live in North America, don’t get the pre-packaged ones, they’re nasty and way too salty. You have to buy it at the counter and have it cut – and then you taste heaven and never go back. Anyways, I’m glad summer is there because this little snack à la Française was just perfect with the birds and the wind.
En prime, I joined the song that I’ve been listening to on repeat today. It reflects well how I was feeling.
How was your week-end?
Do you know about “the feelings”? Or rather the FEELINGS. It’s not always easy to keep your emotions in touch when you’re a relatively healthy person. When you have an illness that plays with those emotions, it becomes even more difficult. I spent the last couple weeks in the joyful bliss of hypomania. I was happy, life was good, everything was funny (ok… almost). I think the good times have come to an end. I’ve been having vivid, slightly disturbing dreams lately. Usually when I start remembering my dreams, it means I’m going through an important switch. Luckily, they weren’t as horrifying as usual. I guess the meds help there too. I’ve also started having to deal with anger. Anger towards a colleague who slacks off all day, or towards my ex who removes me from an event without having the decency to give me a heads up. Of course, the anger is completely deserved… but the burning feeling I can feel in my chest is too intense.
I’m not in a depressive state yet. I’m still laughing and generally happy. But I know the signs. It always starts with the anger. Sometimes, the anger becomes so intense, I get into terrible fights with people that I really love and end up not talking to them for a very long time. Usually, when the anger starts, so does the suicidal ideation. It’s never something serious at the beginning. It’s just random thoughts that pop into my head, and I’m usually good at dismissing them. But after it gets worse. So much worse. I hope it doesn’t get that far this time. I really hope the meds will help. The crippling anxiety, the paranoia, the exhaustion, the hopelessness… I’ve given.
I’m determined to fight it. I won’t let the depression put me down once again. I’m a good person, with flaws and qualities like everyone else. I deserve to be a respectable amount of happy and sad – not a “I’ve gone mad” level. Every day that I wake up, I’ll remember this: “I love life, and I love myself, and so do my friends and family. I am fun to be around, and it is worth it to stay alive.” Maybe I should write it on my ceiling… In big rainbow letter!
On a very different note, Sunday I went playing sword wars with friends. We used foam weapons and shields, and it was INCREDIBLE. This is one of my new favourite activities. You do sports, sweat, spend time outside, look like a complete idiot, all the while having fun! Best. Thing. Ever.
I hope you guys enjoyed your week-end! Stay strong and positive!
I absolutely, irrevocably love this song. Also, I thought it went well with the way I’ve been feeling lately. Did you know I went to their concert with my little sister? It was a-m-a-z-i-n-g. I would totally go again. The only sad thing about Imagine Dragons (for me) is that I bought the CD and listened to it non-stop when I was in Toronto, with my ex. Who wasn’t my ex at that moment. One day I’ll get over it, and these happy memories will be what they are happy memories. Until then, I’ll continue listening to it with mixed feelings – because they’re totally worth it. Also, if you’re hesitating, the answer is YES, you should buy tickets for their concert. Like, yesterday.