Keep it secret

Keep it secret

I find it hard to keep secrets. Not other people’s but my own. I like to share. I like to tell the world about what goes on in that crazy head of mine. Sometimes, I should really keep it to myself. And I’ve been trying to do just that lately. So instead of saying it in my usual form I’ll say it like a really bad poem. Maybe it’ll help me get it out there without having to say it to people and have the consequences that will inevitably follow.

I can’t tell if they’re real
The things I see passing by
A smile, a laugh, it is genuine
A tear, a cry, it is hurting

Please tell me it’ll be over
Please tell me it’ll go away

I can’t tell if they’re real
The thoughts that traverse my mind
So much happiness, so much pride
So much fear, so much sadness

Please tell me it’ll be over
Please tell me it’ll go away

I can’t tell if it’s real
The object in my hand
Ah such great relief
Ah such great pain

I think it’ll be over
I think it’ll go away

I told you it would be bad! Hahaha. Anyways that’s just what I came up with after how I felt between my last post and now. Do you have a poem you’d like to share?

So many things in my head

As you know, I was up late last night. So I took the morning off today. Good thing because there wasn’t much to do at work… I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow.

I decided to take an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow night. Our sessions finished three months ago but I think it might do me some good. It’s like a free-for-all in my head at the moment. I got super anxious on my way to work today. For no reason at all. I just felt extremely bad and my heart was racing. Well it’s not like I’m not used to it. But it’s never really fun.

I started feeling bad again. And it makes me sad and angry. I love my life. It’s great. Really. I have everything I need, and more. I also have two adorable balls of fur that I wouldn’t replace for the world. I know it’s silly but they make me feel loved in the darkest moments and for me it’s all that matters.

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I don’t want to die. But I want to disappear. Leave everything there and stop existing. Have everyone forget about me so they wouldn’t hurt. Unfortunately I’m not Hermione Granger in Harry Potter so I can’t magically make people forget me. And really that wouldn’t solve anything. I need to stay strong. For my family. For my friends. For my lovelies. I have to keep telling myself that. Plus, in two days it’s Lindsey Stirling’s concert. Common now!

I’d like to know, what keeps you alive in your darkest moments? What convinces you to keep fighting, keep going?

And thanks for listening, as always.

Long Time No See

Hi all,

I realize it’s been a very long time since I’ve been here (over two years wow!). I’m sorry for that – I have a tendency to start things and then let them go for some reason. This time I’ll try and stick through it.

So what can I say? Lots of things have happened in the past two years. I’ve had a wonderful job (but unfortunately had to quit) and now am in another amazing place. Well the first one was more great for the people than the job itself you know? – now I actually like what I do, which is freakishly awesome. But enough talk about work!

Continue reading “Long Time No See”

Careful – Cycling through!

I woke up this morning feeling good and rested. Then I realized my alarm hadn’t gone off because my cell-phone had died (while charging) and I was late for work. Then, my first order of the day was to plug an Ethernet cable for someone who didn’t know how to. (It’s a nice person, I don’t  hold a grudge. Not their fault for not being Tech-savvy). But still, you can imagine how the rest of the day went.

All of this bad luck aside, I did come to an important conclusion. I’ve kind of figured out my cycle.

No, not that kind of cycling. The other kind.

I think I can mostly situate myself on my personal scale and know what’s to come in the next few days. I didn’t use to be predictable, and maybe it won’t last very long either. I think that even if lithium doesn’t stop the depressions or the hypomania it helps me see through it and remember who I really am.

So I think my cycle lasts between 1 and 2 weeks and goes like this:

Phase 1: HAPPY. Everything is great. Life is awesome. I can do everything. MUST MAKE PLANS.
Phase 1.5: Happy, enjoying my time. Stuff becomes a little dull or irritating but it’s okay.
Phase 2: GET OFF OF MY FACE. I will blow up this whole planet. I want out. Of what? How the hell should I know?!?
Phase 3: I’m angry. And I’m tired. More like exhausted. Please go away. I want to be alone and maybe sob a little.
Phase 3.5: I suck. I can’t do anything right. I’ll always be like this and I don’t deserve anyone or anything. I want to die. I can’t take this anymore.

Of course that’s just a scale, but I think it’s pretty accurate. Also, events/news/situations can come in and completely change it of course. But I think knowing my base cycling can help me. Maybe I won’t do certain things or go to certain events when I know where I am or will be in the next few days. It might help me prevent overreactions as well. Also, when I was writing it down, I realized that I don’t have a space for “normal” state. Maybe that’s why I feel so alienated with the whole concept of being normal “in between” episodes. Maybe it’s because I’ve been cycling like that for so long, normal actually doesn’t exist for me. To be honest, I also feel like I’ve lost something. I’ve lost the mysterious in one way. I guess it probably sounds weird or crazy -both of which describe me well. It’s for the greater good though, right?

What about you guys? Have you figured out your cycle, or do you even have one? How did you feel when you figured it out or how do you feel about not having one?

Have a great day!

What’s the password?

You should definitely check out this great post by Pieces of Bipolar! It’s something I’ve also been doing, but perhaps not as well! Needless to say, you are the best incentive there can be.

Pieces of Bipolar

Having bipolar II, means I’m more often languishing in the lows of depression, than frolicking in the magnificence of mania. Over time, I have learned to adopt certain strange strategies in order to avoid becoming marooned in the sea of sadness. It’s no quick and easy fix, mind you. It takes some work and a level of commitment to pull it off. But here’s what works for me:

I make pacts with myself. Yes I know it sounds childish. And in your mind’s eye you’re probably expecting us to meet in the treehouse at dawn, wearing our father’s old army camoflague, cupping our hands to mimic the owl-call that is the secret password. Hoohoo hoohoooo Hoohoo hoohoooo.

Well, put the cammo gear away, this is far simpler. All I do is I make a pact with myself. I make stipulations, I bargain and negotiate to get the job done, I…

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Sword Wars, Women and Rosette

We had a sword war today! I just love those events to bits. At the end of the day when I get home I actually feel like I’ve accomplished something. Granted, the only thing I’ve actually accomplished is make a fool of myself and die a couple times, and maybe get a sunburn. But it’s so much fun. We’re doing them every week now so I’m pretty sure all of my Sundays are set for the entire season. Go forth soldier! Protect the King!

M was there. I thought I’d find it harder to see her since Friday was like a punch in the gut. It turns out it wasn’t that bad. We spoke a tiny bit and then she pretty much ignored me and talked with a friend. Oh she played too but there the ignoring was kind of mutual. I think we both don’t know what we’re suppose to do with ourselves in the presence of the other. I guess some things can only heal with time.

Unfortunately, V couldn’t make it. She said she’ll definitely come next week though! That’s exciting. I mean she seems like she really wants to come and is interested in seeing me again? Friday when we departed she said “We should definitely do something again.” Not the “Yeah let’s do something!” that doesn’t mean anything that we all blurt out. But now I have to be patient and not overwhelm her with invites until then. Sometimes my bipolar brain forgets that time for other people doesn’t flow the same way it flows for me, and that 1 day is not a million years. I have a very poor notion of time. I also have a very poor notion of knowing when girls are interested in me. For some reason I can tell if a guy is interested from a mile away, but when it comes to women, my intelligence drops to the level of a pigeon. Ah women. They make me all funny inside. I think I’ll force myself to go slow and enjoy the ride this time. So, when it turns out that she’s the straightest woman on the planet and is married and pregnant, it won’t feel like I’m loosing something and I’ll have had fun in the meantime.

On a completely unrelated note, I went to the Old Port with a good friend after. We just sat in the grass, talked and ate. I’ve gotten her hooked on Rosette de Lyon, so we had Rosette, smoked Gouda cheese and bread. For those of you who don’t know, it’s a heavenly combination. Rosette de Lyon is some sort of porc sausage, specialty of Lyon. And NO it is NOT salami or pepperoni. It’s horrible on a pizza but it’s amazing in a sandwich or on its own with cheese. If you live in North America, don’t get the pre-packaged ones, they’re nasty and way too salty. You have to buy it at the counter and have it cut – and then you taste heaven and never go back. Anyways, I’m glad summer is there because this little snack à la Française was just perfect with the birds and the wind.

En prime, I joined the song that I’ve been listening to on repeat today. It reflects well how I was feeling.

How was your week-end?

How do you know when you’ve moved on?

It’s the week-end! Or rather: IT’S THE WEEK-END YOU ALL CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??

You’ve guessed it, I’m feeling better. It often happens, after I hit my lowest I get up the next day like a new person. Like surviving the horrible suicide temptation granted me access to unknown amounts of energy (aka hypomania). Don’t worry I’m not trowing myself out there out of happiness.

But that was not the point of this post. Yesterday was my friend’s birthday party. My ex was there. We’ll call her M because I don’t like referring to her as “My ex” all the time. For some reason, before going, I had the need to make myself look good (read: a tiny bit more presentable than usual). I even put gel in my hair cause it looks cool! And I know I did that for her. Because I was thinking about her the whole time. Not that I want to go back with her. I really don’t. I realized I wasn’t particularly well with how our relationship was and if we went back it would be the same. We just live in worlds that are way too separate. Yet I wanted to impress her. Not even to hurt her, or make her jealous. Just to feel good I guess. Don’t ask me why.

But then I was there, waiting with friends, being attractive and all and she arrived. In her nice work outfit, her make-up and her perfect smile. And the smile was directed to me. All shiny and beautiful. That second, I felt like I’d just lost a battle against a professional wrestler. I don’t know what my face showed but I think she saw something in it because she looked unsure after. To be honest, I barely looked at her, or spoke to her, for the rest of the evening. I can speak to her online no problem. But seeing her, it’s like it’s too real. I don’t even feel the urge to kiss her or hug her! I just want to disappear in the ground because she’s perfect, and I’m not, and she’s obviously over me.

But then there was this other girl. We’ll call her V. She was sitting in front of me at the restaurant. She was funny and cute and we had fun making jokes and all. It wasn’t even awkward (you know like us computer scientist can be when meeting strangers… or friends). We then decided that 4 of us would go to a gaming bar (board games + video games + fun). M wasn’t part of the group, thankfully because I would have remained silent the entire time. Also, it turns out people can get angry when playing Settlers of Catane!! But it’s almost okay because V and I just had that look where we understood each other (or I think we did?) whenever my other friend would get mad. Anyways I know I was hypomanic and somehow the people of this planet gain 5 points in attractiveness when I’m in that state, but I kinda have a little crush on her now. Nothing big! But I kinda like her. You know. Like I can’t make sentences?

The point is, M was there, and even though I felt horrible, I still got a crush on another girl. For me that was a big moment. I may not be over M (will I ever? I really fell deeply for her) but I’m getting there. It means maybe at some point I’ll be able to envision some kind of relationship with someone else. Maybe I didn’t get broken so bad I can’t ever want to be with anyone again. That’s good! I want to have crushes and have hope. It’s so much more fun than hating couples in the street!

I don’t know if V is even interested in women, let alone me. I’m not really looking to start anything right now anyways, but she’d make a good friend. But who knows? Life always brings us surprises when we think all is lost.

What was the moment that made you guys realize you were moving on? Let me know in the comments below!

Good luck to you all in your love/hate filled moments.