Hello From The Hospital

I know it’s been a while, and I am sorry. I was in a very bad place, as you know from my last post… I have to admit to myself and to the world, I tried to end my life. This time, I could have succeeded. I called my nurse from the CLSC after and left a message. She called me later and contacted the authorities. I am sorry I did that to her. I shouldn’t have put the weight of my life on her shoulders like that. She was understandably upset with me.

So I’ve been sharing a ward with other weirdos like me for the past 3-4 weeks now. It gets very boring. Or very funny too. Some people have it worse than me, let’s just leave it at that.

I participate in groups. I read. I walk. I talk. But apparently that’s not enough. I need to learn to express my feelings. To dig deep and access those bad emotions like anger and sadness and feel them and share them with people. Well that’s not going to be a small task, let me tell you. I’ve leaned to keep those well hidden away from view so as to not burden people. The perfect little girl so to speak. Apparently I’m the perfect patient too. Yeah!! One thing to be happy about I guess.

To be honest, I still wish I had succeeded. But you won’t hear me tell my doctors that. I tell them I don’t know how I feel about my attempt. I tell them I’m neutral. But I do tell them when I have suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, I’m almost honest to a fault. It only keeps me here longer.

There was a meeting yesterday. Imagine a big conference table. And 6 people sitting around it. One of the three Occupational Therapists, my nurse from the CLSC,  my Psychiatrist, a nurse from the ward, my social worker, and somehow (why? who knows?), the pharmacist. And now imagine them inviting you in for a conversation. I was completely terrified. Apparently they did so to tell me they are all worried about me and want to help me get well. I don’t doubt it but hell was that a stressful event for me. I still feel anxiety creeping in today about it. Actually I don’t think I’ll ever think of this and not feel unwell about it. I’m a bit upset they “attacked” me like that.

That’s starting to be a long post, for a “just touching base” one. And not a funny one at that. Ah common! I should have that book of jokes one of my friends on the ward has so I’d leave you on a great note. Well let’s say this: I’m in good hands. One day I’ll be that person with the expressed feelings who doesn’t want to try and end it every so often. I have to believe it. That’s what they keep telling me anyways.

Have a good one!

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