I’m not well today. I fell asleep at 4AM and got up at 5PM. I started watching Timeless, which is , I must admit, a good show. But I can’t distract myself from what’s really on my mind: death. I’m terrified of it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. About how. About when. Fortunately I can’t find a really good reason why I should do it. But I’m obsessed with it. No matter what I do, it comes back, haunting me, taunting me.
I don’t know why I want to die, but I do. I’ve tried explaining to doctors before how I feel when I’m like that, but they always end up finding some really silly reason from my recent past that would make me feel this way. But what if there is no reason? What if my brain was just trying to kill me because it’s wired this way? What if there’s nothing that can be done and I’ll always have these ups and down and be incapacitated every few months because of it? Do I want to live this way? Is it fair? Of course it’s not fair. And I know there’s people having it much worse than I do.
But how do you win a war against the entity that governs your body and your mind, the entity that makes you “You”? I wish I had the strength to fight it. I wish I could tell it “NO!” and it would be it.
But I’m just there, alone and scared. Scared of death, scared of life. Scared of what I might do and not do. What happens if I go through it? With everyone that I love, what happens to them? What happens if I don’t? Will I live like this for the rest of my life? What happens if I do and I miss? Will I have to spend all my time in a hospital again? Will I lose my job?
I’m at this crossroad, a horrible one with only one answer: don’t do it. Take care of yourself. Talk to someone. Call a helpline. But I know it won’t help. Because my brain has won. I can’t fight a never-ending war anymore.
I don’t know what to do.