For all or nothing

I’m not well today. I fell asleep at 4AM and got up at 5PM. I started watching Timeless, which is , I must admit, a good show. But I can’t distract myself from what’s really on my mind: death. I’m terrified of it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. About how. About when. Fortunately I can’t find a really good reason why I should do it. But I’m obsessed with it. No matter what I do, it comes back, haunting me, taunting me.

I don’t know why I want to die, but I do. I’ve tried explaining to doctors before how I feel when I’m like that, but they always end up finding some really silly reason from my recent past that would make me feel this way. But what if there is no reason? What if my brain was just trying to kill me because it’s wired this way? What if there’s nothing that can be done and I’ll always have these ups and down and be incapacitated every few months because of it? Do I want to live this way? Is it fair? Of course it’s not fair. And I know there’s people having it much worse than I do.

But how do you win a war against the entity that governs your body and your mind, the entity that makes you “You”? I wish I had the strength to fight it. I wish I could tell it “NO!” and it would be it.

But I’m just there, alone and scared. Scared of death, scared of life. Scared of what I might do and not do. What happens if I go through it? With everyone that I love, what happens to them? What happens if I don’t? Will I live like this for the rest of my life? What happens if I do and I miss? Will I have to spend all my time in a hospital again? Will I lose my job?

I’m at this crossroad, a horrible one with only one answer: don’t do it. Take care of yourself. Talk to someone. Call a helpline. But I know it won’t help. Because my brain has won. I can’t fight a never-ending war anymore.

I don’t know what to do.

10 thoughts on “For all or nothing

  1. I’ve been close to suicide for months now. While my reasons are different from yours, you may find solace in what aids me. Accept yourself, entirely. I don’t mean “be happy” with yourself, merely acknowledge all of yourself, good and bad. Doing so has allowed me to.. consciously analyze and change myself – rather than running, and thus allowing my thoughts to run rampant. Easier said than done, of course.

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  2. You are totally not alone, I just went through this too, I am adding an excerpt from my blog as to make you understand how much you are alot like alot of us. Excert:

    I have been having these suicidal thoughts for weeks and weeks..I can’t seem to shake the looming feeling of wanting to die. Now with this being said…I cannot imagine myself actually doing it. I know it would destroy my son, wife, and mother. I have to hold on.

    I went from Lithium to Zyprexa and hoped for the best. I am medication compliant. I also take Lamictal. I was on 10mg of Zyprexa after stopping my 1200mg of Lithium. I also still have my 100mg of Lamictal. I am doing all I can to feel better. Howeve the Zyprexa I felt was knocking me down so much the thoughts started consuming me. It’s all I think about, all the ways peoples lives and my own would be better if I did not exist. I hope I never have the courage to actually do it, however in my heart I feel no reason to continue this endless suffering. I have no sense of worth, pride or anything. Lets top this off with massive weight gain from 235 to 290 pounds. I worked hard to get all this weight off about 3-4 years ago. I cannot believe I am getting fat again. This is another reason for the depression.

    NOW, with that being said I wrote that in mid September of this year and I am STARTING to get better. I really think exercise helped my mind these last 2 days. I go walking put on Spotify and put on my hard rock (Ozzy, Slayer, Megadeth, Metallica etc) and powerwalk. Maybe try that?

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    1. Thank you for your reply. I did end up trying to end my life – but I’m at the hospital now. I am slowly getting better and getting some much needed help.

      I hope you continue to get better as well.

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