For all or nothing

I’m not well today. I fell asleep at 4AM and got up at 5PM. I started watching Timeless, which is , I must admit, a good show. But I can’t distract myself from what’s really on my mind: death. I’m terrified of it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. About how. About when. Fortunately I can’t find a really good reason why I should do it. But I’m obsessed with it. No matter what I do, it comes back, haunting me, taunting me.

Continue reading “For all or nothing”

The story of my past suicide attempts

The story of my past suicide attempts

This blog post will not be an easy one. But it’s one I want to write. For myself mostly but maybe a little bit for other people, to know that it’s okay and there’s no shame in having attempted suicide. It’s a very difficult subject for me to approach (even with my psychologist I block mid-sentence and she usually guesses where I’m going).

If you think you might be triggered by the subject, I suggest you stop reading here.

The following text is not a how-to or how-not-to. It’s simply my story told in my own words. In a lot of words.

Continue reading “The story of my past suicide attempts”

New Theme, New Start

I changed my theme! YES. After a static two years, I feel like a new start is what it takes. Today I had to do a presentation at work. My Project Manager was hoping I’d speak but I skillfully managed to avoid any of that nonsense by letting my colleague speak for the entire 15 mins. YEAH ME. Also, bad me. I should learn to speak in public.

But even just the fact that I had to stand there in front of all these people made me shake like a leaf. I can’t imagine what would have come out of my mouth had I tried to utter anything. Just thinking about it now makes me nervous!

Fun fact: during my interview for my current job, my boss told me, and I quote (translated from French) “I can see you are shaking. We’re all relaxed here. No one is wearing a suit. You can calm down.” It did help but I continued my charmingly unstoppable shaking prowess because this is what I do.

My PM promised that if I am on his team for a future project he’ll force me to speak to teach me how to speak in public. Well I guess I’m going to hell.

What terrorizes you the most?

Have a great day everyone!

 

Productive AND fun?

I had a great day today. I was super productive at work (well I think anyways…)

BUT, BUT

The most important moment was definitely the evening. I finally saw Lindsey Stirling!!! For the third time but omg was she just as amazing as she could be! Of course she told us we were the best and we, as a good audience, just screamed our lungs out for the rest of the concert. And frankly, she deserved those screams. For those of you who don’t know her, she’s worth checking out. She’s a “dancing violinist” from the US and she’s very talented.

Here’s a song she made for a Disney movie with Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness:

You can understand why I’m a big fan? She spoke about one of her band members who died last fall and it was very inspiring. Sad of course, but the way she spoke about it was like a revelation.

As you know I haven’t been feeling too well lately. She made me realize that I need to keep fighting harder than I have been. She talked about how she was gratefulness and how she was emotionally stunted after his death and had to learn to open herself again. I think I need to learn to be grateful too. For my family and my friends, for my life in general.

It’s difficult to accept that I have suicidal ideation but that I don’t have to act on it. If I only accepted the situation and the emotions that I feel maybe I’d be more grateful of what I have?

What are you grateful for?

Getting better or worse

via Daily Prompt: Waiting

Waiting is hard. I hate doing it. I think most people do. You don’t know what to do with yourself, you check your Facebook or twitter feed every 3 seconds and sadly nothing new’s happened. That’s why I play Dots. It passes the time.

But that’s not the point of this post. This post is about waiting to get better. I have this side of me that absolutely refuses to accept that sometimes things don’t go the way I’d wish. And when things go wrong, I get impatient with myself. I don’t want all of these bad feelings, I want things to get better now. But obviously that’s not how life goes. So I get, well, worse.

Waiting. I have to learn how to do it. And wait to get better. Because I will.

And I leave you with this song that I can’t stop listening to lately:

Keep it secret

Keep it secret

I find it hard to keep secrets. Not other people’s but my own. I like to share. I like to tell the world about what goes on in that crazy head of mine. Sometimes, I should really keep it to myself. And I’ve been trying to do just that lately. So instead of saying it in my usual form I’ll say it like a really bad poem. Maybe it’ll help me get it out there without having to say it to people and have the consequences that will inevitably follow.

I can’t tell if they’re real
The things I see passing by
A smile, a laugh, it is genuine
A tear, a cry, it is hurting

Please tell me it’ll be over
Please tell me it’ll go away

I can’t tell if they’re real
The thoughts that traverse my mind
So much happiness, so much pride
So much fear, so much sadness

Please tell me it’ll be over
Please tell me it’ll go away

I can’t tell if it’s real
The object in my hand
Ah such great relief
Ah such great pain

I think it’ll be over
I think it’ll go away

I told you it would be bad! Hahaha. Anyways that’s just what I came up with after how I felt between my last post and now. Do you have a poem you’d like to share?

So many things in my head

As you know, I was up late last night. So I took the morning off today. Good thing because there wasn’t much to do at work… I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow.

I decided to take an appointment with my psychologist tomorrow night. Our sessions finished three months ago but I think it might do me some good. It’s like a free-for-all in my head at the moment. I got super anxious on my way to work today. For no reason at all. I just felt extremely bad and my heart was racing. Well it’s not like I’m not used to it. But it’s never really fun.

I started feeling bad again. And it makes me sad and angry. I love my life. It’s great. Really. I have everything I need, and more. I also have two adorable balls of fur that I wouldn’t replace for the world. I know it’s silly but they make me feel loved in the darkest moments and for me it’s all that matters.

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I don’t want to die. But I want to disappear. Leave everything there and stop existing. Have everyone forget about me so they wouldn’t hurt. Unfortunately I’m not Hermione Granger in Harry Potter so I can’t magically make people forget me. And really that wouldn’t solve anything. I need to stay strong. For my family. For my friends. For my lovelies. I have to keep telling myself that. Plus, in two days it’s Lindsey Stirling’s concert. Common now!

I’d like to know, what keeps you alive in your darkest moments? What convinces you to keep fighting, keep going?

And thanks for listening, as always.