Anxiety When You Take Me

I’m back at work full time. Well, I was. I haven’t been able to go to work this week. The anxiety grabs me like crazy and I can’t even consider leaving for the office. Which is stupid because I absolutely love it there. Of course, the more I miss work, the more I get anxious about missing work, and well you know where I’m going with that.

I’ve been wanting to blog for ages but I never had the motivation to do it. Today I figured it might help me get through the day until my appointment tomorrow with my psychiatrist. I find it so hard to live with anxiety. It takes hold of me and won’t let go. I’m scared of everything. Right now I keep thinking how bad of an employee I am because I’ve been missing work.

The truth is, I don’t know what to do anymore. My episodes keep getting worse and getting closer and closer together. I’m terrified I won’t be able to keep a steady job. But I must stay positive right? I’m seeing a new therapist. I will be talking more now. So that should help? Hopefully?

I wish you all a wonderful day, because even in my madness I want the best for everyone. Keep up the good work!

Hello From The Hospital

I know it’s been a while, and I am sorry. I was in a very bad place, as you know from my last post… I have to admit to myself and to the world, I tried to end my life. This time, I could have succeeded. I called my nurse from the CLSC after and left a message. She called me later and contacted the authorities. I am sorry I did that to her. I shouldn’t have put the weight of my life on her shoulders like that. She was understandably upset with me.

So I’ve been sharing a ward with other weirdos like me for the past 3-4 weeks now. It gets very boring. Or very funny too. Some people have it worse than me, let’s just leave it at that.

I participate in groups. I read. I walk. I talk. But apparently that’s not enough. I need to learn to express my feelings. To dig deep and access those bad emotions like anger and sadness and feel them and share them with people. Well that’s not going to be a small task, let me tell you. I’ve leaned to keep those well hidden away from view so as to not burden people. The perfect little girl so to speak. Apparently I’m the perfect patient too. Yeah!! One thing to be happy about I guess.

To be honest, I still wish I had succeeded. But you won’t hear me tell my doctors that. I tell them I don’t know how I feel about my attempt. I tell them I’m neutral. But I do tell them when I have suicidal ideation. Unfortunately, I’m almost honest to a fault. It only keeps me here longer.

There was a meeting yesterday. Imagine a big conference table. And 6 people sitting around it. One of the three Occupational Therapists, my nurse from the CLSC,  my Psychiatrist, a nurse from the ward, my social worker, and somehow (why? who knows?), the pharmacist. And now imagine them inviting you in for a conversation. I was completely terrified. Apparently they did so to tell me they are all worried about me and want to help me get well. I don’t doubt it but hell was that a stressful event for me. I still feel anxiety creeping in today about it. Actually I don’t think I’ll ever think of this and not feel unwell about it. I’m a bit upset they “attacked” me like that.

That’s starting to be a long post, for a “just touching base” one. And not a funny one at that. Ah common! I should have that book of jokes one of my friends on the ward has so I’d leave you on a great note. Well let’s say this: I’m in good hands. One day I’ll be that person with the expressed feelings who doesn’t want to try and end it every so often. I have to believe it. That’s what they keep telling me anyways.

Have a good one!

For all or nothing

I’m not well today. I fell asleep at 4AM and got up at 5PM. I started watching Timeless, which is , I must admit, a good show. But I can’t distract myself from what’s really on my mind: death. I’m terrified of it. But I can’t stop thinking about it. About how. About when. Fortunately I can’t find a really good reason why I should do it. But I’m obsessed with it. No matter what I do, it comes back, haunting me, taunting me.

Continue reading “For all or nothing”

The story of my past suicide attempts

The story of my past suicide attempts

This blog post will not be an easy one. But it’s one I want to write. For myself mostly but maybe a little bit for other people, to know that it’s okay and there’s no shame in having attempted suicide. It’s a very difficult subject for me to approach (even with my psychologist I block mid-sentence and she usually guesses where I’m going).

If you think you might be triggered by the subject, I suggest you stop reading here.

The following text is not a how-to or how-not-to. It’s simply my story told in my own words. In a lot of words.

Continue reading “The story of my past suicide attempts”

New Theme, New Start

I changed my theme! YES. After a static two years, I feel like a new start is what it takes. Today I had to do a presentation at work. My Project Manager was hoping I’d speak but I skillfully managed to avoid any of that nonsense by letting my colleague speak for the entire 15 mins. YEAH ME. Also, bad me. I should learn to speak in public.

But even just the fact that I had to stand there in front of all these people made me shake like a leaf. I can’t imagine what would have come out of my mouth had I tried to utter anything. Just thinking about it now makes me nervous!

Fun fact: during my interview for my current job, my boss told me, and I quote (translated from French) “I can see you are shaking. We’re all relaxed here. No one is wearing a suit. You can calm down.” It did help but I continued my charmingly unstoppable shaking prowess because this is what I do.

My PM promised that if I am on his team for a future project he’ll force me to speak to teach me how to speak in public. Well I guess I’m going to hell.

What terrorizes you the most?

Have a great day everyone!

 

Productive AND fun?

I had a great day today. I was super productive at work (well I think anyways…)

BUT, BUT

The most important moment was definitely the evening. I finally saw Lindsey Stirling!!! For the third time but omg was she just as amazing as she could be! Of course she told us we were the best and we, as a good audience, just screamed our lungs out for the rest of the concert. And frankly, she deserved those screams. For those of you who don’t know her, she’s worth checking out. She’s a “dancing violinist” from the US and she’s very talented.

Here’s a song she made for a Disney movie with Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness:

You can understand why I’m a big fan? She spoke about one of her band members who died last fall and it was very inspiring. Sad of course, but the way she spoke about it was like a revelation.

As you know I haven’t been feeling too well lately. She made me realize that I need to keep fighting harder than I have been. She talked about how she was gratefulness and how she was emotionally stunted after his death and had to learn to open herself again. I think I need to learn to be grateful too. For my family and my friends, for my life in general.

It’s difficult to accept that I have suicidal ideation but that I don’t have to act on it. If I only accepted the situation and the emotions that I feel maybe I’d be more grateful of what I have?

What are you grateful for?

Getting better or worse

via Daily Prompt: Waiting

Waiting is hard. I hate doing it. I think most people do. You don’t know what to do with yourself, you check your Facebook or twitter feed every 3 seconds and sadly nothing new’s happened. That’s why I play Dots. It passes the time.

But that’s not the point of this post. This post is about waiting to get better. I have this side of me that absolutely refuses to accept that sometimes things don’t go the way I’d wish. And when things go wrong, I get impatient with myself. I don’t want all of these bad feelings, I want things to get better now. But obviously that’s not how life goes. So I get, well, worse.

Waiting. I have to learn how to do it. And wait to get better. Because I will.

And I leave you with this song that I can’t stop listening to lately: